A few days ago I had the pleasure of eating some really, truly disgusting turkey jerky. It had been attacked by a vicious strain of mold – most probably of alien origin – and, unfortunately, I ate a little bit of it before I had a chance to realize what was happening. The details are in the video, but here is a copy of my letter to the manufacturer of said turkey jerky, Krave. I’ve also included a few additional photos that didn’t make it into the video.
Reminder: Always check your jerky before you put it in your mouth.
Hello-I am sitting here at Starbucks (Store #5493) in Santa Monica, California, wondering if I’m about to die from some heinous form of food poisoning. Or, worse, be laid up and unable to finish my work this week…I just purchased a package of your Krave Turkey Jerky in the “Basil Citrus” flavor and, well, it is neither basil nor citrus. In the words of the Starbucks Asst. Manager Samantha, “it looks like something got in there at the factory.”It is BEYOND decomposed and covered in some sort of fungus.Here’s how it all went down… I purchased the jerky at the counter and had a wonderful conversation with the barista about it. “Oh this stuff is so great! It’s really goooooooood!”I sat down at a table at the Starbucks, took a sip of my iced decaf coffee and opened the Krave. I reached into the pouch without looking at it – like any normal human person who is eating jerky does – pulled out a piece and pop’d it into my mouth. I began to chew and then I tasted what can only be described as a rancid mushroom, previously soaked in ammonia (or maybe paint thinner? I’ve never tasted paint thinner, but I have a suspicion of what it taste likes from the smell). The “jerky” also had an interesting vanilla finish, which came as an even bigger surprise. Unfortunately, I swallowed a bit of it before it registered to me how weird/disgusting the taste was.I looked down at the “jerky” immediately and thought, “is it supposed to look like this? It’s very green… is that from the basil?”It took approximately 5 more seconds to realize that what I’d just eaten was unrecognizable as jerky. It looks like a mythical beast’s finger… like the knuckle of an ogre or an orc! Probably because there are parts of it where the flesh has calloused over in the aftermath of whatever organism attacked it. There is also a pervasive green fuzz covering the thing, except for the mushroom like material that’s exposed at the part where I took a bite.I am attaching a picture, for reference.So, that brings us to the current moment. The team at Starbucks were profusely apologetic – and equally grossed out. They filed a report with corporate and their regional manager. Considering that the jerky was totally sealed when I received it, I figured it best to let you know directly about this problem. I’m emailing now, in case I’m laid up later. Fingers crossed I’m not.I’ve tried to keep a funny, positive attitude here… but… truthfully, I don’t think I will ever eat jerky again. Certainly not Krave jerky.
And a few more photos…